Yeah I haven't written in awhile, but maybe it's time for it again. So much has happened over the last couple of months.. even weeks for that matter so maybe it's time i share a little.

spend time in Arizona- AWESOME.

Went to Australia- EVEN MORE AWESOME AND AMAZING.

been hanigng out A LOT.

I like a boy named Luke.

I found out i still have hidden feeling for a boy all ya'll know.

I miss my friend Adrian Ocampo.

I'm learning more about myself each day.

I've had a rough week and I want to drive away.

kay, I'm off to the beach.. I'll write more later.

i miss these days..

The old crew.(ahahah like 3 1/2 years ago, i took the picture..)
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and i miss my sistah's..espcially those rancho weenies to my right..
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Happy Birthday Jesus :D

haha sorry had to point that out.

I leave to Lake Tahoe tomorrow.. I'll be back Sunday night. It's going to be amazing and definitely something new.. I'm used to going to Utah every year.. this year is different, that's okay. I'm going to missssss him. alot. I still got my guard up.. I haven't hung out with him since Tuesday.. IS THAT POSSIBLE? well yeah, the holidays and my busy scedule got in the way. Tonight I'm supposed to be hanging out with him and his family. I'm hoping that falls through, I really want to see him before I leave town. Plus, I need to be assured of a few things.

My cousin Michael just called.

I know I don't ever mention him, but i love him to death. Probably the closest thing I have to a brother.. I didn't go to Moreno Valley to be with family due to packing and such.. Plus, I didn't think he'd be there.. Guess I was wrong.. now I'm feeling bad. grrr.

Richard Lee gave me the sweetest Christmas card today, and an awesome bracelet. I love that guy.

umm i think that's it. there's your update. hahaha

i miss everyone!

have a good christmas!

So there goes my life, passing by with every exit sign
And it's been so long, sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight, i'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades, one more night gone
Only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again, a long time from now

And there goes my life, passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard, so much time, so far apart
And she walks the night, how many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again, I will see you again a long time from now.

My body aches, and it hurts to say
No one is moving and I wish that I weren't here tonight
But this is my life.

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now.


I realized how much I need him & how much I miss him.

I was already moving on, in hopes that maybe something would start with a certain someone else

and now he brands the words "I miss you" on my heart.

I thought he wanted things this way


now i'm in a rut.

thanks _____.

Let me assure you, my life is awesome.

Let me remind you I am not perfect nor are the people around me.

Within the last two weeks certain people who I put all my hope and trust in failed me. What once was a vision we shared is now blurry to them and I'm left walking this road alone. Yet, a God who is perfect still loves on me and I pushed him to the furthest part of my mind.

Spoke with Taylor Hughes who is not only a mentor/ pastor but is like an older brother to me and I swear I could see his eyes begin to water when I told him how empty I was feeling inside. I could feel my throat begin to tighten with every word i added into our conversation.

"I felt so empty, like I was decaying inside and while everything was going great and everyone thought I was happy, I truly wasn't "

that had to be the hardest thing for me to say to him.

and here I will mention it again, COMPASSION. Had he not showed me comassion, I don't think I could be feeling ok. I don't know where I'd be and God would continue to stay put on the backburner.

God gave me two choices a few nights ago.

"What kind of integrity will you have Steph? You either love me or don't."

Well guess what, I love him alot..things are better, way better.











Without him I can't do anything. Hope, welcome back.

Yep, I'm guarding my heart..Don't worry about me.. cuz that last time sucked..

i have a good feeling about this.

In the simple stillness of the night, your name tends to cross my mind
I find myself breathless when I picture you smiling.
Is there a word to describe this feeling?
I just can't seem to find one meaningful enough.
Oh I know this is only the beginning of a friendship
I don't mind being your friend
but trust me, there's just something about you..
because when we met, I felt like we've known each other for years.
_______________________________________________________________________________

AGH.


yeah i like him. i just can't get over it.
seeing him soon too

:D

i painted today. for 2 hours in my room.

then wore my heart on my sleeve.

So I wrote this interesting BLOG on myspace yesterday. i would've posted it here but myspace is blocked from my school.

CHECK IT RIGHT HEEEERREEE.



So, lately I've been having to deal with a lot of people asking me if I'm ok. Every night on the way home my dad asks me in the car if I'm ok. He says it really worried. I sit in there car, not really saying much only because I have nothing to say. He says I seem upset or dissappointed. what?

A few other people asked me that too over the last couple of days. I turned them down with a smile and a nod "yeeep, I am fine".

I walked into class this morning. Sat down at my computer. Waited for my comp to load. My friend Julie says hey (yeah bunny, i know you're gonna read this.) and I say hello back. She asks if I'm ok. I tell her, "Yeah, I'm fine". It's been bothering the heck out of me that everyone is asking me if I'm doing ok. So, I ask her, "I'm perfectly fine.. Do i seem different for some reason because I've been getting that question a lot lately." She replied with "I don't know you just seem upset about something". "No I'm not really mad, I just don't say much" I said. She plainy breaks it down for me, "You're just not yourself lately. Not the usual giddy and happy Steph'.

So I'm analyzing.

What the heck? Me? Mad? SINCE WHEN?

1. I have been staying quiet lately. It's weird, usually I'm one of the loud mouths but lately I've been to myself. (How odd. I didn't think others would notice.)

2. I prefer to write and create art when I am home. Not kill time on myspace or AIM.

3. I spend time with Matt, Summer and Krystal. - hardly anyone else. maybe my strive leader Sarah cuz she's a cool 20 year old ninja (totally kidding about the ninja part.)

4. I want to be home more.

5. I've given up on calling people.

6. I sleep more than usually.

7. I don't plan weekends anymore. lame.

I need a good local show to come around :[

Ok, I got bored and thought i'd kill time in this library before school lets out.

I am so tired of school. blah.

This weekend was one of the funnest weekends I've ever had. Made some new friends and hung out with the older & closer friends. It was perfect. Like a dream; everyone had their part in it.

I think about my future too much.. Sometimes it gives me a headache & I can't take it. So much I want to do, so much to see.. I can't wait. 7 months till graduation. finally, it's a'comin.

I have a question. If you could see me sing any song acoustic what would it be? I could use tons of input.. so say it nowwww.

please?

well, anyways, i'm out for the day see ya'll later.



weekend.


k.s.s.

It's weird.

I think I'm getting ready for the life that is coming after high school.

I spent a lot of time with my old friends who are in college anywhere from the ages of 18-26.. They are such amazing people. Hanging out with them is so different from the high school crowd. Things are just so spontaneous and the conversations are either really funny, intelligent or deep. I mean I love my friends to death. I guess I am just tired of the stuff that goes on here & the repeativeness. Nick drove Matt and I home last night. We talked about the plans we had for our future. Honestly, I'm so excited. I think I'm going to be heading off to Citrus College and take classes in promotion, producing and some kind of management skills for the music industry. So many of my friends (who are like family) go to Citrus, so I definitely know that it'll be worth going to school there. Plus, seeing and meeting people won't be hard either.

I just can't wait to graduate.

Don't think that I hate my high school friends.. but here at school there are only a handful of people I want to stay close with. If you're graduated and we still talk, then obviously I love you. hahah <33


ANNDDDD NOWWWW

THE PICTURE

Me, Marina & Marisa

high school lovers. hahaha

I love life.

Even though things may not always go the way i want it to.

better off that way, don't you think?

We fall to get back up, we run in hopes not to stumble & if we do.. we push ourselves back up like little children in a playground.

I'm not stopping here..

and even though i don't see where i'm headed..

I'm excited.

So.

this week?

Wow. Started off on a bad note. Nothing seemed like it would get better. I talked to many people about family problems (with Marisa <3) and cried on the phone with Krystal and Richie Lee.

October 21 was 3 years since my childhood (neightbor) Tosh has been dead..and still this third year of her being far from living, I'm still hurt. There's a wound inside me that won't heal, because she took her life and I never had a proper goodbye. So, since she's buried at Rose Hills I should visit her grave right? Heck I wish I had the guts to do that. I'm afraid of having a breakdown.

My parents don't see how much I miss her. Her death had a huge affect on my life. She is the reason I view life the way it is, and not once will I take it for granted.


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The slamming of car doors & bedroom doors was how the week started, along with the sarcastic and loud tones that would proceed from our lips. Words that scared and words that were meaningless we all distributed among my household. Bitterness began to crawl back into me. I'm sure everyone else felt the same way.

Wednesday happened to be the worst.. for the most part I will not tell the whole story, but the mainly, it was the worst day I've had to deal with in a long time. I cried so much on Wednesday that even after school till the night I could feel the dried up tears all over my face. I called my friend Richie and talked to him because I really needed to talk to someone and he was a huge help. Cried with me (you know you have amazing friends when they feel your pain and help you out). Then talked to Krystal and man, we we're on the phone for about 2 hours. cried a lot too.

1 AM - still couldn't sleep.

and in the middle of that night, I began crying to God for help. The depression was coming back. "God, this is more than I can bear.. I really need you here.. I need you to help me make things better between my folks and I. I'm tired of the arguments"..

5 minutes later, I fell asleep.

Next morning, the radio is playing. My parents are singing. My sisters are telling jokes and there is tons of laughter and my PARENTS are making the family breakfast. I SWEAR I WOKE UP IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE till I was sure it was my family and not some TV reality show fakes. It was WEIRD, I had my guard up for the longest time waiting for someone to hammer me with their words. not once did it happen...

Since then, there hasn't been an argument, and they are still in that happy mood.

I'm not going to complain. I like it.

let's just hope it stays that way.

The big man upstairs is a heck of a cool dude.. (and i'm not saying litterally upstairs, for you sarcastic-joking-type-of-people haha)

not entirely dissappear.. i just feel a little tired of certain things.

you will see me more however.

but as far as my PEEERRRSSSOONNALL life goes..

i'm just taking sometime to really be alone.

The summer is fading away and as I embrace one of my favorite seasons, I am also embracing new things in my life.

I feel the desire to be alone.

Once again I am on my own.

Steph will once again dissappear for a bit.

but all you lovely readers..

will get to be updated with everything

anyways, i need all ya'll here.. and bring loads of people.. this is for a good cause!



myspace.com/invisiblechildren

Look to the left, then to the right.

I find nothing appealing.

I look down & see pavement,

Yet for some reason I feel like I'm walking on ice.

The sky above me no longer is the bluest of blues,

but a mass of gray that darkens in the distance.

For once, however, the fear that once haunted me

is no longer something I take part in.

So put on the blindfold,

let this journey begin.

I'll trust in you,

knowing you'll see me through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me build off of this for a second. Basically, I'm at a point in my life where trusting is all I can do. God is pretty much the only trustworthy thing I can depend on. I'll stay hopeful. I know I may fall, just like everyone does, but I'm not focused on it. I'm quite axious though.

i love my friends.

"you complete me" (like the way Dr. Evil says it)- HAHA

serously, didn't go to one of the most biggest most rocked out show of the year but it was chill i enjoyed myself. In addition to that, all my friends who are like family to me showed up. We left the show and hit up IHOP. MANNNNN, that was some good grub. I enjoyed myself. plus i hit up a football game with Matt and got a funny pic for a band member for ya.


OH but FIRST i gotta show Marina. She made the best foochie face I've ever seen.

I LOVE YOU.

my best LIVEJOURNAL friends.

hahahaha.

you guys leave the sweetest comments. sooo i thought i'd dedicate a page to the five of you


♥

i'm happy and content.

taking life one step at a time.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


just to keep all of you updated.

things are better.


i resolved things with my friend. i'm looking forward to what's ahead.

my life, my heart lies in God's hands

basically the other night while i was putting myself down.. God made me realize something. why hadn't i let him be my strength the WHOLE time? why did i put my guard down?

that's something i regret doing.

that night after hours of crying i said "God, i don't know what i'm doing but i trust you and i'm trusting that you will make everything ok."

and you know what..

since then things are getting better. i slept in peace saturday night and still am till today. i can smile and you will know that it isn't a mask that i am wearing. it's called joy. happiness comes and goes..but joy is constant. God is good.


my tips for you.

1. remind yourself that everyday is the best day of the year.
2. love people
3. love life
4. persevere through hard times
5. don't let the words of others tell you who your are
6. be who you are
7. have compassion.
8. encouage yourself (in a nonconcieted way.. boost your self esteem. you deserve it)